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The Tabloid News Edition 31
The Tabloid News Issue XXXI ' Ringmaster Pickles: Editor-in-Chief 'FROM THE EDITOR ' Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Mafioso of alllllllllll ages . . . welcome back to The Tabloid News, everyone's favorite fact-filled newspaper. My lawyers are now advising me to point out that most of my facts are slightly made up, and the rest of them are completely made up. But, it saves me a lot of money on the research department. I hope you all have been anxiously waiting this latest installment. It's been about 6 months since the last issue, and there's a lot to catch up. So, without further ado, as we editors say, 'On with the news . . .' 'AS TRUE NOW AS IT WAS THEN Morgan Ames, head French Maid at The Tabloid News office was going through the archives when she discovered this nearly four year old article from Tabloid News Issue IV, so we have re-printed it for your edification. 'Horse Races Are Fixed ' After months of investigating, we at The Tabloid News have discovered that the horse races are fixed. An honest gambler can not win an honest game. As our proof, take a look at the winners of the last two races . . . Race 1 WIN: Glue Stick - 47:1 PLACE: Back of Postage Stamp - 52:1 SHOW: Army Surpluss - 94:1 Race 2 WIN: Three Leg Wonder Gimp - 54:1 PLACE: Slow Poke McJoke - 73:1 SHOW: Daddy's Little Tax Shelter - 87:1 With names and odds like these, it is obvious! 'RED RABBIT STILL A COMMUNIST ' Upon further examination of the archives, Pickles and Morgan found an article from Tabloid News issue XI proclaiming Red Rabbit to be a communist. 'Red Rabbit Actually Pink ' Yes, sadly it is true, but Red Rabbit is actually a member of the Communist Party! After close inspection by the HUAC (look it up, ignorant masses) it has been concluded that Red Rabbit has had too many business dealings with the Bulgarian Communist Party, especially with the double agent Vasssil Vassilev. Apparently, Mr. Vassilev is a double agent working in San Francisco with extra close contact with Red 'Commie all the way' Rabbit. Remember, you heard it here first!' In this issue we are presenting our very first follow up story in the history of The Tabloid News. We recently interviewed Red Rabbit. Here is the transcript. TTN: 'Well, have you come over to capitalism yet, comrade?' RR: 'Not a chance.' There you have it. Red Rabbit is still a communist, and not to be trusted Ed. Note: Red Rabbit wanted to make sure his name was spelled correctly, and added this to the end of the interview. 'Rabbit. Rah-bit. A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Rabbit.' 'ASK RED WATCH: ADVICE COLUMN ' Dear Red, Lately I find myself confused about what I want to be when I grow up. I donâ€™t have any direction in my life. I'm completely lost. What should I do? Signed, Lost in Louisiana -------------------------------- Dear Lost, at about 4:15 this afternoon, go stand on the train track. Stand perfectly still and the solution will come to you. Red ---------------------------------- Dear Red, I have a problem picked up women. How can I change that? Signed, Uncle Sam ----------------------------------- Dear Sam, stop using 'I want you' as your pick up line! Red 'STREET SPEECH REVIEW ' Ed. Note - These reviews are made hastily without any regard for context or meaning. These opinions do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of The Tabloid News. Where Have All The Good Men Gone (by Bailey) Someone hasn't met Ringmaster Pickles yet, and has spent too much time with Tie. Another Day At The Track (by Mifalda) I agree with The Tabloid News' opinion of the horse races. Most Respected Mafioso (by Sab) Another category Ringmaster Pickles gets overlooked for. The Question On All Of Our Minds (by Gaspare Fontini) What would Pickles do? 'THE DEATH OF RANDLE McMURPHY ' The death of noted Made Man Randle McMurphy has caused quite a stir in the Mafioso community. It would seem that his entire reputation experienced defenestration. But, we here at The Tabloid News know the truth. Some say it was a mob hit. Others say it was autoerotic asphyxiation. However, it was really a drinking binge. Randle decided to open up a bottle of mescal and chug until he reached the work. After attaining a blood alcohol level of .28, Randle decided it would be a great idea to eat the work. After doing so, his BAC jumped to .59. After that, it was just a matter of science as Randle's liver objected to this punishment and killed him. He will be missed. But, learn from his lesson. Don't drink as much as he did.